Only a few people close to her knew of her loss. They'd said, with such conviction, that it was the most selfless thing any mother could do. As if she were some kind of heroine. Bullshit. If they'd only known. She did it because she was selfish. Wanted to be free of the burdern of a child. Wanted to travel, meet people (men, really), take classes, do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.
Babies don't travel well, they don't sit still or silently in classes, they take up time, money, weekends, week days, mornings, nights... That's what she had convinced herself of. It was an easy decision. And if someday she changed her mind, there'd always be opportunities to have a baby again. When she was settled, wealthier, more established in her life and career. Then she'd be able to give the baby the life he or she needed. Then she'd be able to be the ideal mother. The ideal woman.
And the candle kept burning, melting down ever so slightly, the flame atop still slender and yellow, tinged with blue at the base. She stared at the flame. It was mezmerizing, nearly intoxicating, so oddly comforting as something to focus on, when all the sadness and fears and dashed dreams kept crawling out from the corners of her mind, creeping to the foreground...
"Joshua," she whispered. " I wish you the best. I wish you the moon and the sun. I wish you the world. I wish I could have given it all to you. I wish I could have had the courage and selflessness to never let you go. I wish..."
Babies don't travel well, they don't sit still or silently in classes, they take up time, money, weekends, week days, mornings, nights... That's what she had convinced herself of. It was an easy decision. And if someday she changed her mind, there'd always be opportunities to have a baby again. When she was settled, wealthier, more established in her life and career. Then she'd be able to give the baby the life he or she needed. Then she'd be able to be the ideal mother. The ideal woman.
And the candle kept burning, melting down ever so slightly, the flame atop still slender and yellow, tinged with blue at the base. She stared at the flame. It was mezmerizing, nearly intoxicating, so oddly comforting as something to focus on, when all the sadness and fears and dashed dreams kept crawling out from the corners of her mind, creeping to the foreground...
"Joshua," she whispered. " I wish you the best. I wish you the moon and the sun. I wish you the world. I wish I could have given it all to you. I wish I could have had the courage and selflessness to never let you go. I wish..."
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