I found the passage below in a diary entry I had made in December of 1994--the night before a meeting with a successful businessman from the Los Angeles area, who had offered to be a kind of mentor. My business partner and I were a year and a half out of graduate school. It was a difficult, awkward time. We had founded our first company, South Bay Entertainment (which would, years later, evolve into Listen & Live Audio), in the second year of our MBA program at USC's Marshall School of Business, but its growth was slow going, to say the least--we had only one published product--and the persistent doubts were often overwhelming.
It's 2:28 am, the morning of another meeting which may or may not reveal anything new about our company's situation. In fact, it will probably not, but instead be a kind of 'pep talk' for us. And in three hours I will wake up, or simply get up from this chair awake, and take a shower, dress and drive an hour or so. I will be exhausted then, but for now I am unusually lucid, not anxiety-ridden or caffeine-alert, but simply awake.
It's 2:28 am, the morning of another meeting which may or may not reveal anything new about our company's situation. In fact, it will probably not, but instead be a kind of 'pep talk' for us. And in three hours I will wake up, or simply get up from this chair awake, and take a shower, dress and drive an hour or so. I will be exhausted then, but for now I am unusually lucid, not anxiety-ridden or caffeine-alert, but simply awake.
What this means for me and for the company is uncertain. I have figured, however, that something must happen soon because I seem to be losing my identity. Whereas, when I was younger I was Alfred C. Martino--captain of the varsity wrestling team, or son of Judge Felix A. Martino, or son of Jenny R. Martino, or graduate of Duke University and USC's MBA Program--now I am nothing. I have not created a family of my own, and my company, is as tangible as this piece of paper I am writing on. Sure, I can hold it and feel it but it's worth is only measured by the ideas I am now writing--and how much can that be worth?
I fear that, while on the inside I have definitely become a more intelligent and creative person, the tangible results are few and far between and measurements, such as income, worth, things, fall far short of the standards.
I fear that, while on the inside I have definitely become a more intelligent and creative person, the tangible results are few and far between and measurements, such as income, worth, things, fall far short of the standards.
I don't know what lessons are to be learned from reading this passage, now nineteen years after I wrote it, except that, perhaps, this sort of angst is what most, if not all, entrepreneurs go through early on in their ventures. And the emotions may not be that much different from the person who decides they are going to be a writer and spends the first few years learning the craft, trying to find their voice, and believing, rightly or wrongly, that no matter how many words they type into their computer, they will not consider themselves a writer until they have something published. Maybe it's this doubt and fear that pushes the entrepreneur and the writer never to quit.
I don't know. I just found it interesting.
I don't know. I just found it interesting.
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